I Haven't Been Totally Honest With You...
I’ve been hiding something. It’s a BIG something that has completely shaken up my reality, tested my belief systems and thrown things into a whirlwind in my business and personal life. It’s taken me months to even conceptualize what is happening and begin to accept it. And after months of resistance, doubt and fear I have come to accept that part of my ownership process is actually to share this story with you.
As a coach, I work daily to get my clients to move them to a point of acceptance of who they are and what they want in life and in business. I work with them to stop giving a shit about what anyone thinks and move forward with their dreams, on their terms. In order to get to the core of this work they must begin to own their stories, own their experiences and conduct their lives and businesses from their authentic truth. It is actually the ONLY way to be successful. Trust me on this, because I can now officially say that I have run my business from both places: one of openness, honesty and love and one from fear and hiding. There is a huge energetic shift when you live and work from these places and in service of living by example, I will share with you how I know.
There is a big part of my life that I have not been taking ownership of. I haven’t owned it because it scares the shit out of me. I haven’t owned it out of fear of not being good enough, self-doubt and lack of acceptance. As of late, this has been a huge block for me both personally and professionally and it’s time to out myself:
I’m having a baby and I’m totally terrified.
My world shook when I found out, as I’m sure is the case for most all women. The thing is, I wasn’t bursting with excitement to be a mother. I wasn’t thrilled to announce this to my family and friends. The thought of a Facebook pregnancy announcement and growing belly photos made me feel panicked and uncomfortable. I’m a businesswoman, not a mom. I was growing a business and I had no plans of growing a baby anytime soon.
What was wrong with me? Why can’t I be excited? I was just too scared to embrace this experience. All I knew was that being pregnant meant that I was no longer a one-woman show who could do what I wanted, when I wanted, how I wanted. I now have a baby to take care of and I am running out of time to reach the level of success and experiences that I want to have before baby’s arrival.
During the first few months of being pregnant it hit me really hard that some of what I wanted was no longer a possibility for me right now and I had no control over it. I wanted so badly to want my baby, but I couldn’t seem to see past the inevitable changes, so I decided to just keep going on with my life and business and keep this secret to myself and a few close friends and family (eventually).
Instead of embracing this magical moment in my life I have resisted it. I have been busting my ass trying to do every single thing that I want to have done before my life changes forever (even though it already has). I have been working 80 hours a week through nausea and exhaustion. I’ve been sandwiching in client calls with doctor’s appointments and not sharing any of this experience with much of anyone. I haven’t owned this pregnancy at all and it is running me down physically and emotionally. I have been closing my eyes to the fact that I am not practicing what I preach because I am not at all living or conducting business from my authentic truth. From this place of fear and self-doubt I am not honoring my business, my pregnancy or myself. I’m not allowing this time in my life to be enjoyable and beautiful nor am I opening myself up fully to the people that are in my life. And what I’ve been reluctant to notice is that this does not work, in business or in life.
I was afraid to share this for a lot of reasons. I’m the always up for adventure, never stop working, results-oriented, world traveling, girl; I’m not the mom. I’m the quit your job, start a business, wine all-nighters with girlfriends, just do it girl; again, not the mom. The reality is though, now I am the mom and pretty soon (really soon actually), there is going to be a little baby joining me in all of this. Our travelling plans will change and wine nights will become play-dates and living on the edge will probably mean taking an infant to a hip downtown restaurant and praying for no tantrums. No, I may not be able to work 80 hours a week or answer client phone calls 24-7 or get email responses out within a few hours, but I can share this story with you in hopes that it serves your highest good and allows you to tap into the parts of you that you are hiding.
Sometimes the things we are most afraid of, we hide. We hide them from the people in our lives, from our clients or prospective clients and even from our partners. I invite you to look inward at what parts of you you’re hiding away. How can you step more into your light and into your truth?
My hope is that you are willing to open your eyes to the parts of yourself that you are not fully owning in whatever relationships you are in: personal or professional. Although there is nothing scarier or gutsier about it, there is also nothing more attractive than you being you. In service of you building trust in all relationships and in service of you stepping fully into your light, what are you open to revealing?
